Phoning home
by Avid fangirl for life
Summary: A look into Nicole.


Nicole had been the amongst the gangliest of teens in her town when she was growing up. Subsequently, she had also been amongst the most awkward and gawky. All legs and arms that went in for miles, she'd been unsure of herself unto the last. Being gangly went hand in hand with being clumsy as a teen, it seemed, and so Nicole had to suffer through the indignity of that as well. Everyone around her had grown used to her tendency to trip over nothing but her own legs, or sometimes merely thin air. Of course, she had never admitted to such things, because it was beyond embarrassing. If accused of such things, she had developed a system of being coolly indignant. She was an awful liar, but she had perfected her poker face.

Her older brothers had teased the crap outta her growing up for it. As if it were her fault that their shit head of a dad just happened to be built like a line backer. She'd inherited the height with none of the other merits. She didn't have broad shoulders, or bulging muscles, and so her brothers had always gotten away with the teasing.

Being the youngest of six, and with five older brothers, she had learnt early on how to protect herself. From boys who got too handsy at parties, to any potential threats, to being mercilessly teased for what biology had dictated, she could deal with it. As a teen she had worked hard to turn her gangly body into the sort of body she wanted. She'd worked out every evening, anything to fight against the confines of her body. She'd worked hard at it until she had ultimately been all muscle and sinew. She'd made herself a body she could use to protect herself, a body that could protect others should she need to. A body she could use to follow in Ma's footsteps.

Her Ma had raised her and her five brothers single handedly, battling through the challenges of being a single mother, and Nicole could not have admired her more for it. On top of that she had also been town Sheriff, working tirelessly to make their town safer. Nicole looked up to her mother more than any other single person on the face of the planet. To say she was a hero would have been an enormous understatement. She inspired her to work harder than all of her brothers combined, storing hour after hour of study and experience under her belt. Her mother had beat man after man at a boys game, and Nicole wholly intended to follow in her footsteps.

By the time she graduated from the academy, she had grown as a person. Not only did she fit into her once gangly body with ease, but she'd also come to terms with whom she was (which was something she had denied since she was thirteen). On graduation day, her Mother had told that it was the proudest day of her existence. It had beat out the day they'd all been born, and the beam on her Ma's face had made the work more than worth it. Nicole had made her feel as though she had gotten something right with her kids, she had marked Nicole as going to great places. In that moment Nicole had felt as though she may burst from happiness, to the point that she had been genuinely worried about her face splitting in half from how hard she'd beamed, prouder of herself than she had ever before been.

In that moment, the words she had bitten back since sixteen had came bursting forth, racing off the edge of her tongue. She had told her Ma that she was gay, and her Ma's smile hadn't budged an inch, if anything it had merely grown. Her eyes had softened in a way that they hardly ever did and she'd hugged Nicole tighter than she ever had before. And then Nicole had cried, tears of relief and happiness, practically bawling against her Ma's shoulder. Apparently her Ma had known since she was thirteen, since the night of Frank's prom. She had cried in the bathroom all night, over the pretty girl he'd taken to prom, the pretty girl he got to date, when she had wished so desperately that she had been in Frank's place. She'd always been a sucker for a pretty girl, and at the time this girl (Marie) had been the prettiest girl that Nicole had ever seen. That girl was now Frank's wife, they had three kids together, and Nicole could still feel the past pangs of her first love whenever she looked at them together. Of course, she was happy that they were so darned happy together, but it still hurt to think of the nights she'd spent crying over her.

After graduation, Nicole had uprooted herself, torn herself from everything she had ever known, away from her home and her friends and her family, and moved herself out west. She'd found herself in the middle of practically nowhere, miles away from the nearest big city, in a town called Purgatory. The people were friendly enough, and the Sheriff was beyond glad to have her (she hadn't been top of her class for no damned reason) but she missed home something fierce, especially her Ma. The problem with small towns was that they tended to lean towards being more close minded than the big cities, but it was she had ever known and so she had stuck to it. Purgatory was quaint, slightly more inclined to violence than most small towns. Small town life was something she loved, it was a huge part of her, despite feeling like she couldn't be herself as wholly and completely as she would have liked.

The first time she saw Waverly Earp was about a month into her time in Purgatory. She'd been out on patrol at the time and she would almost swear to having nearly crashed the patrol car. Mercifully, she'd been at the stop sign by the library when she saw her, arms overflowing with heavy looking books and ancient scrolls that looked about one gust of wind away from crumbling to pieces. Nicole could have sworn that she was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen in her entire life, without even trying. There was something waifish about her, and that dimpled smile made Nicole's legs feel like jelly, even though she was sat down. She was pretty sure that her jaw had actually gone slack, which was something she would never of admitted to. She'd found herself with a need to know everything about the girl, and she had started with learning her name. The first thing she had wanted to do was call her Ma, and tell her everything about the girl, which had been ridiculous. They were both at work for a start, and she didn't even know the girl's name.

From there, the rest had been history as far as she was concerned. Classic Nicole through and through. She'd fallen for a beautiful girl she had never even spoken to, a girl whom was very much straight and taken. And all Nicole had found herself wanting was to have that heart stopping smile aimed at her, even if just for a second. If she could memorise that smile while it was aimed at her, while it was just for her, she was pretty sure she'd be content for all eternity. She wanted to be the one to cause that easy smile to break out and take up the other girl's face, the one that she had only ever seen in passing. She'd be proud to tell Ma about such an important moment, even if it couldn't be person to person. She'd spent weeks upon weeks working up the courage to talk to her, even for the briefest of moments. She called upon the courage and bravado her brothers had taught her to always have.

She'd enhanced the swagger she'd somehow gained since coming out, the easy confidence she'd found within that came from simply fully and truly being herself. She'd adopted the courage her older brothers had taught her to have in the face of everything, no matter what it may be. And, ballsy to the last, she'd walked into Shorty's and danced the line between friendly and flirty. It hadn't even taken the full conversation for her to fall even more fully for the girl whom had only just learnt of her existence. She'd been drawn in even further and found herself hopelessly lost, drowning in aspects of the girl that she hadn't known had existed. And she hadn't minded in the slightest.

As the weeks had gone by, she'd found herself consumed by the warmth of the youngest Earp sister. She'd been drawn into her completely and fully, intoxicated by the sheer beauty of her, soul and all. From the very beginning she had known that it was hopeless, she had never tried anything other than mild flirting, because yes she'd been known to poke a sleeping bear every now and then, but she wasn't a masochist. There was no point to causing herself additional pain. She found herself leaning the truest thing she had ever known, loving Waverly (no matter how one sided it may forever be) was the sweetest pain. It was a pain she would endure with contentment for forever if need be, because it was a privilege.

Her Ma asked her about the sunniness in the voice every time she phoned, and Nicole had valiantly tried not to tell her every little detail, she had tried to abstain. She'd found it rather impossible. Her Ma was her biggest advocate, she always had been and always would be. All her mother wanted was for her to be happy, to find the fairy tale ending that she had never gotten to have. Nicole told herself that she didn't want her mother hurting for her over something that no body could help, because she wasn't really in pain, Waverly didn't cause pain. Still, she'd told her Ma every single detail about Waverly, and she'd talked for hours and hours before she could finally think of nothing more to say. Her Mom had simply sighed and told her that things would work out for the best in the end. Nicole supposed that was true, Ma had always given the best advice after all.

After she been kidnapped, Waverly had visited her in hospital and she'd brought her wild flowers, picked from the Homestead. The tenderness that had radiated from her soft smile, the one that always seemed to be directed at her these days, had made all the aches and pains seep straight out of her bones. On that particular day she had learnt that the Little Earp sister was all the cure she would ever need. And that worried her, more than worried her, because how was she supposed to keep pretending?

After that, everything seemed to become exponentially more confusing, which was rather saying something. Being in love with Waverly had been confusing enough, because she had never quite gotten her head around the whole loving from afar. Things had reached a whole new level now, because now they were friends, and so that meant that Waverly wanted to know her. Just thinking her name made Nicole's heart race in a way that she just knew wasn't healthy. Whenever she was around her, she became the gangly and awkward fifteen year old girl again, uncomfortable in her own body once again, even though she had most definitely grown into her body. That was without mentioning the fact that she hadn't tripped over her own body in almost five years. She bemoaned such effect to her Ma, which just made her chuckle.

It wasn't until one extremely uneventful day, at which she was sat at her desk finishing up her paperwork, that realised how royally and colossally screwed she was. She'd heard Waverly talking to the other rookie officer, Roswell, and she'd perked up instantly. She'd felt herself become bright eyed once more where she'd been half asleep moments before. Waverly had headed straight for her, all breath taking smiles and soft, heart stopping gazes. She'd stopped in front of her, and her smile had become even warmer. Nicole had tried not to focus on how much that inviting smile had felt like home. She'd stood up, knocking both her chair and most of the things on her desk flying, including her neatly organised pile of paperwork.

Waverly had looked at her and giggled, and Nicole's heart had melted, leaving a pile of warm goop in its place. She'd stood there, and she was certain that she had that stupid dopey grin on her face. The one she hadn't used since she was thirteen, the one that she hated because it made her look so lovesick that it was actually painful to behold. But Waverly had looked at her, and then looked at her some more. And Nicole could have sworn that Waverly had never looked at her like this before, at least not as far as she could recall. And Nicole wasn't one to forget anything where Waverly was concerned. Then something had clattered to the floor, a pen or something (she wasn't exactly paying attention) and the moment was over and then Waverly was gone before she could blink. If it hadn't been for the mess, she could have imagined the entire thing. Wishful thinking and all that.

Every time she sees her from that moment, Nicole can see something new in the way she looks at her. Nicole tries her darnedest to stick to the clear friends boundary that they've put in place over the past months, all trial and error and overt then subtle flirting, but she's not doing such an amazing job at it. Still, she thinks she's doing her best at it, and that counts for something. Then Waverly goes and complicates things even further and breaks up with her 'boy-man' and Nicole allows herself to hope, even more so than she had already. She's always been a hoper, even if that's stupid of her and so unrealistic that's it's kinda ridiculous. Waverly looks at her with something more pronounced in her eyes, all soft and tender and so much more than friendly and hopeful that Nicole is terrified.

And then they argue, not badly mind, but she finds that she was wrong. Waverly can hurt her, she can and she does and damn if it doesn't feel down right awful. But Jesus, even as Waverly hurts her she tries to help because Waverly doesn't know, she can't know and her Ma had told her before she moved out West that she had to be careful of the nice ones, because they hurt you without meaning to. At least the mean ones do it on purpose, which takes from the sting of it. And she doesn't lash out, even as her heart breaks a little and then a little more, she doesn't say a word to disagree, even if what she feels building between them isn't damned friendship. She heaves a defeated little sigh, refusing to meet Waverly's eyes and she drives. It's never been friendship, or at least not just friendship, sure, the foundation of whatever it is is built on friendship, but it's not just that. It's something more, and she's sure Waverly can feel it as well, because how could she not? It's not just her damned gay heart making up love stories, she's not thirteen any more. It's something more and for once she's damned well sure of it. But if Waverly wants to ignore it and pretend that's it's nothing, and that's she's nothing more than a friend, then who is she to say otherwise.

Before she can even call her Ma to break down and be weak for just a minute. Before she can allow herself to feel the misery of the moment, Waverly is back again. When she pushes past the front desk of the station, Nicole readies herself for round two of the heart break. In the couple of seconds before she can reach the door of Nedley's office, her mind makes up all kinds of wild scenarios.

She can feel her heart racing in anticipation, beating a pattern against her rib cage, and she tries to steel herself for goodbye, because that has to be what's coming next. She tries to steel herself against Waverly asking Nicole to leave her alone because she might have finally pushed things too far without meaning to. And she tries to go on the defensive, because she can't just let herself get hurt, she's not enough of a sucker for twice in one day, no matter how much she loves the girl before her.

And then Waverly's lips are on hers, soft but insistent and then she's on the tiny coach in the office and her heart is racing and it feels like she could burst. She looks at Waverly, a million questions shining in her eyes and Waverly starts to talk, rambling adorably, her hand on Nicole's leg and if she's dreaming, well she never wants the moment to end. Waverly perches above her, face close and breath gentle against her cheeks and she rambles on about how Nicole terrifies her.

She can feel her eyes soften and her heart beating faster than ever. And she feels both more sure and more terrified than she has in months. When she draws her Waverly's face back to hers, she's in familiar territory and foreign territory all at once. Because she's done this so many times before, but she's also never done this with some one who makes her tremble like she's sixteen and making out with a girl for the first time again. She feels closer to heaven than she has in longer she can remember. She can't think straight and it's difficult to breath, but it feels nicer than she can ever remember it feeling before. When her shift ends, and long after Waverly has left, with the after glow of the moment still warming her, she rings her Ma and she's happier than she thinks she's ever been.


End file.
